The infancy of this recession has already taken a personal toll. Sadly, I've found it impossible to make a profit in today's international black market economy. Outsourcing is killing me. I used to get my opium from Afghanistan, but the country's transition from agriculture into an information and financial services economy is nearly complete. And no, there aren't any suppliers here in America. Americans are too preoccupied in the methamphetamine laboratories to get their hands dirty in the opium fields. Most would agree: my countrymen are lazy bastards.

Of course, inflation is killing me, too. The price of Colombian cocaine has risen sharply, both from my paramilitary suppliers (unfairly subsidized by American taxpayers), and by revolutionary suppliers (unfairly subsidized by a fat man in Venezuela with an ego that's out of check). So now, I'm forced to go legitimate. My current enterprise is in selling "enemies of the state" bobblehead figurines. If my business plan proves successful, you'll soon find a Moqtada al-Sadr and a Mahmoud Ahmadinejad bobblehead figurine in every McDonalds Happy Meal sold within the lower forty eight states.

I think this enterprise might pay off. Finally, I'll be out of the drug dealing business. Better yet, I'll be detached from the land conservation business (my cover/day job). Land conservation has lost its urgency, what with the mortgage crisis and the energy crisis leaving developers in the dumps. At the water cooler, my co-workers and I quietly confess a fear of being too tough on urban sprawl. It seems as if America feels the same way. Donations are being diverted to more pressing causes, like highway beautification projects and unsuccessful presidential campaigns.

Regardless, it seems apparent that we will get through this financial crisis soon enough. At this very moment, Nancy Pelosi and George Bush are stuffing rebate checks into envelopes. They are placing postage stamps into upper-right-hand corners. They are sealing the glue with their mouths.

And so, I wait, I watch my mailbox, and I hope for the best.