My life coach recently accepted a position with the Civil Engineering Department of Alameda County, so I'm pretty much on my own with respect to goals and ambitions. That's why I recently typed up my fifty-year plan.

As it stands, here's the plan:

[Age: 31, Year: 2009] Obtain more than 250 friends on an Internet social networking website.

[Age: 32, Year: 2010] Become a regular at a bar that is east of San Francisco.

[Age: 36, Year: 2014] Impregnate someone, without resorting to the mail order catalog that is on my coffee table.

[Age: 40, Year: 2018] Better familiarize myself with a local professional sports franchise, so I may speak of them intelligently in conversation and find camaraderie with other individuals who reside in my metropolitan region.

[Age: 43, Year: 2021] Visit the Disneyland in Iran and the Disneyland in North Korea.

[Age: 56, Year: 2034] Fully pay for the education and substance abuse rehabilitation of my first born child.

[Age: 57, Year: 2035] Use the bathroom in the Dennis Kucinich Presidential Library.

[Age: 58, Year: 2036] Exercise the right of every father of adult children to abandon holiday activities for the greener pastures of television and sleep.

[Age: 64, Year: 2042] Stop the robot from raping my wife and I.

[Age: 69, Year: 2047] Demand grandchildren, by any means necessary.

[Age: 79, Year: 2057] Give 10% of my Social Security check to charity, abiding by a last-minute adherence to scripture.

[Age: 85, Year: 2063] Have the last laugh.

[Afterward] Discover or fail to discover that the last laugh was on me.