The 15 things President Obama should accomplish in his first week in office (in order of urgency):

1. Confiscate guns from individuals and fringe groups in rural America.

2. Re-distribute all wealth and property that is privately held.

3. Publish Karl Marx pop-up books for kindergarten classrooms.

4. Insure that no middle school student goes without a homosexual experience before attending high school.

5. Insure that our fourth graders can memorize the Koran as quickly as fourth graders in Taliban madrasas.

6. Establish a plastic bag windfall profits tax, allowing individuals to purchase tote bags from their favorite bookstores and public television stations with government assistance.

7. Bail out Volvo and Volkswagen, and all bumper sticker-related industries.

8. Build a pedestrian bridge from Cambridge to Berkeley that will successfully bypass real America.

9. Turn Guantanamo Bay into an amusement park for boys raised by lesbian couples.

10. Let Mahmoud Ahmadinejad go down on Hillary Clinton without preconditions.

11. Televise this on Al Jazeera.

12. Free Ted Stevens and all political prisoners.

13. Begin all press conferences with the phrase: "Listen, motherfuckers..."

14. Surrender the country's liberty to the United Nations and to every Zionist cabal that sounds interesting.

15. Prepare for re-election.