Very recently, I went to San Francisco Green Drinks with a few friends and co-workers, halfway hopeful about finding a girlfriend. It took about a half hour before resignation sank in, but by then I was very content to just hang out with good people. Of course - as always - a young professional on a networking crusade had to interrupt a conversation that I was having with my equally defeated wingman. After our introductions, the guy just went off.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Steven. Here's my card. If you haven't heard about us, we're called EcoGlobalSecuritySystems and we're down in Mountain View. We're a green military defense contractor. EcoGlobalSecuritySystems is the only company in the Silicon Valley that's building sustainable and biodegradable weapons systems. Our mission is to create defense systems that can annihilate hundreds of thousands of people while still protecting wildlife and sensitive habitat.

"When we started, we were fresh out of Stanford and were a little idealistic. It was 2003, the Iraq Invasion had just begun, and we were immediately concerned about how 'green' the war would be. 'Can't we have a military intervention that's environmentally friendly and carbon neutral?' we asked ourselves. And out of that sentiment sprang EcoGlobalSecuritySystems. We put our heads together, formulated a business plan, collected some venture capital, hired a lot of smart people, and threw a bunch of equations onto a whiteboard. At that point, we were very enthusiastic.

"Unfortunately, the Bush Administration didn’t see a role for environmental protection in the war on terror. And just a few months ago, we were disappointed to learn that Obama isn't interested in us either. So - while we still feel horrible about doing it - we recently decided to supply our technology to new clients. Contrary to our allegiances and ideals, today we do business with the Taliban, Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. For better or worse, we're the only military defense contractor in the United States that does business with radical Islamic extremists and anti-American military forces. And to be honest with you, I'm only somewhat consoled by the fact that we're going public on the NYSE in mid-September."

At this point, I was a little dumbfounded. As I was trying to manufacture some obligatory response, a woman standing behind us thankfully relieved me of the burden.

"Hi, I'm Joan. I couldn’t help but overhear your discussion about the environment,” she said. “I work for OceanicEcoRanchingProducts. Here’s my card. If you don’t know about us, we're a company located next to City Hall - nearby a lot of dirty homeless people who dwell in their own filth and take money from the government. Our home office is in Iceland, though. I like Iceland, because things aren’t so ethnic over there. Anyway, I work for OceanicEcoRanchingProducts. We're the only company in the world that makes harpoons out of recycled and recyclable materials. Our mission is to make whale slaughtering more environmentally responsible. Our harpoons are used on Japanese and Norwegian boats. But anyway, we're finding that our market share is growing, despite the recession caused by the Jews.”

At that point, I gathered my belongings and said goodbye to my friends and co-workers. It took about five minutes to catch the Pittsburg/Bay Point train and I transferred at 12th Street in Oakland. I found myself distracted from the book that I was reading as we approached MacArthur Station. I looked over the business cards that I had just collected, and my attention was drawn toward the fading city beyond the window. Could you believe that guy Steven? He was a self-righteous yuppie, spreading global destruction and undermining national security, just for a cheap buck. But then there was Joan. There was Joan.

After eating breakfast on Saturday morning, I decided to give her a call, hoping that she might be free.